/Satire/ Church Malicious Exposes the Apostles! /satire/

Eccles gets in on the act of 'exposing' Voris and Church Militant.

From Eccles is Saved

Welcome to Church Malicious, where lies and falsehoods are trapped and exposed! Or at least they were until we all went mad a few months ago. Never mind, we have some other ideas.

Michael's getting angry!

This piece is a joint effort from the Vorticists, and today we are going to expose the base tyranny of Cardinal Cupich. Only, joking folks! No, as usual we are going to pick on some supposedly harmless group and expose it as a hotbed of creeps, perverts, and weirdos. No wonder they never let us join them!

The Apostles! We can reveal that "Saint" Paul's life was not as saintly as you might think. No, at the time when Stephen was being stoned, what did he do? Sit down and write a blog moaning about it? Pull the other one! (You can let go of it now, Milo!) No, we can reveal that, under the alias of Saul, he collected the coats of those who were doing the stoning. Check it in the Bible if you don't believe our scoop!

We have come across several priests who are fans of St Paul. You can be sure that they are also coat-fetishists with a penchant for stoning people. DO THEIR BISHOPS KNOW THIS?

Why did so many people die when St Paul went on his travels?

Another man who hid under an alias was Simon/Peter, a regular jailbird in those days. He was known for denying Christ! So avoid anyone who tries to defend this wicked man!

These Church Malicious scoops are not the only ones we have up our sleeves - for a mere $10,000/year subscription you can subscribe to our premium service, entitling you to a FREE Voris wig, a personal massage from Milo, and a ground-breaking exposé of any hitherto-respectable organization of your choice: the Mothers' Union, the Little Sisters of the Poor, The Samaritans, St Vincent De Paul Society, ... we've got mud to throw at all of them!

You will also learn more about the Apostles! What sort of doctor was Luke really like? Was Barnabas really "a good man, and full of the Holy Spirit and of faith" or was he actually a serial killer? And as for St Mark. If we say "pulling the legs off hamsters" does that give you a clue to his secret life?

We shall sue the Vorticists for using our name - or we would if they were still alive.

Follow the Vortex, as our reputation goes down the plughole!