Musings of an Old Curmudgeon
The musings and meandering thoughts of a crotchety old man as he observes life in the world and in a small, rural town in South East Nebraska. I hope to help people get to Heaven by sharing prayers, meditations, the lives of the Saints, and news of Church happenings. My Pledge: Nulla dies sine linea ~ Not a day without a line.
29 June 2026
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How To Relate to Non-Catholic Family
From Aleteia
By Fr Michael Rennier
Whether you're a convert or a cradle Catholic with a lot of fallen-away relatives, there's no doubt that relating to non-Catholic family can be tricky.Being a Catholic with an extended family of non-Catholics can cause a certain amount of friction. At Friday night dinner, no one understands why you don’t eat the pot roast. On family vacation, you cause an inconvenient schedule change because you cannot properly tour until you've found a Sunday Mass at the local parish. There are moral questions about how to deal with a sibling living in an irregular marriage situation, or what to say, if anything, to the vocally pro-abortion aunt who keeps bringing it up at Thanksgiving. Maybe you struggle with whether it’s okay to let Grandma and Grandpa take the kids to their Protestant church after a Saturday night sleepover, or if you need to speak up to your brother who makes anti-Catholic jokes in front of the children.
These concerns are pressing for converts and may even escalate into outright heated arguments. Parents feel betrayed when a child leaves the church in which they were raised and enters the Catholic Church. It might even get bad enough that it causes a split in the family. Or it might calm down after a while but the snarky anti-Catholic comments never quite stop.
The concerns are slightly different but just as serious in Catholic families in which some have abandoned the Church and become non-churched or protestant. Maybe they make little comments about how bad it was to be Catholic and they cannot believe any members of their family still believes. Or they’re divorced, planned to remarry, and don’t understand why any Catholics in the family would object. Maybe they’ve become Christmas-and-Easter Catholics who nevertheless still receive Communion the few times they attend and something needs to be said to them but it’s awkward.
In short, when you’re the only practicing Catholic in the family, there’s no end to the possible permutations - arguments, recriminations, guilt-tripping, passive-aggressiveness, feeling left out. You’re left wondering how to handle it. Will the tension ever go away?
In my experience, if family members love each other and communicate calmly and openly, yes the tension can significantly dissipate. When I first converted, my parents weren’t pleased. I completely understand why. From their perspective, I was making a bad choice and they wanted to talk me out of it because they love me. We had some tense conversations about it in the beginning, and there’s still an occasional misunderstanding, but in the subsequent years we’ve all calmed down.
What I realized fairly quickly after my conversion was that, even if in the first enthusiastic rush of being a new Catholic I wanted to talk to everyone about the experience, it wasn’t a particularly responsible discussion to have with my family. My enthusiasm was off-putting; perhaps it even seemed condescending. The last thing I want to do is turn Catholicism into an annoying sales pitch. After all, that type of blunt evangelism only turns people off to the faith. Even if I feel pleased to have “said something” and “stood up for the Gospel,” my self-satisfaction cannot be the point. The point is to be a winsome ambassador for the Church.
It can be hard not to blurt out some catechetical truth or moral reproach, but this kind of approach helps no one. Instead, there are a few guidelines we can keep in mind.
No arguments
Arguments aren’t effective at getting people to change their opinions. In fact, an argument often has the opposite effect. When people feel their beliefs threatened, they cling to them even more firmly. It might feel satisfying to argue with non-Catholic family members but it isn’t productive.
What actually might help? The happiness and joy of your life. Your manner of living is your best argument. No words required. You don’t need to apologize for your Catholic convictions and you should be clear that the truth isn’t subjective. The truth isn’t yours – it’s God’s – but this doesn’t mean it’s wise to engage in constant, stressful arguments about it.
Patience
Patience is a requirement. People get stuck in their ways. We’re stubborn for no reason. We don’t like change. You cannot expect non-Catholic family members to quickly see things your way. They might never see things your way, or it might take many years. It isn’t your job to force them into a specific way of thinking; it’s your job to love them.
I’ve often wanted to force discussions, but have found that if I’m patient the discussions will arise naturally and organically. A family member might ask me a question and then, because they’ve asked me, I have the freedom to gently but clearly provide a Catholic perspective. I’ve found that patiently waiting for these invitations is far more fruitful than any other approach.
Prudence
Every family is different, so how everyone relates to relatives is going to be different from family to family. You must be attentive to how your non-Catholic family specifically reacts. Do they get upset when you talk about your faith or are they eager to know more? Do they listen when you give moral advice or does it turn them off? Are you able to say difficult truths to them or has it damaged the relationship when you’ve done so in the past?
Prudence helps to diagnose if conversation is welcome or should be minimized. It will also lead to other, better considered approaches. Maybe your family is more open to learning about Catholicism from someone rather than you. Maybe they would like an invitation to Mass to see for themselves even if they don’t want to discuss theology. If words are counter-productive, maybe all non-Catholic parents need to see is that the grandkids are thriving as Catholics and love Jesus.
Prayer
Finally, prayer should be a constant. Praying for non-Catholics and fallen-away Catholics is the best way to love them. Ultimately, you and I aren’t the ones who will convince anybody of anything when it comes to religious faith. God will do the convincing in his own time. Our task is to love him, love our families, and pray for them.