Eccles at his most brilliant! You will laugh between your tears at the truth of this satire! It cuts entirely too close to the bone.
From Eccles is Saved
The scene: Hell. Satan is relaxing in a comfortable chair. Suddenly the late Eugenio Scalfari materialises before him.
Satan: Ah, Scalfari. How nice to see you. Do you know who I am?
Scalfari: Hmm, a strong smell of brimstone, an atmosphere of evil. Of course! I am in the archdiocese of Chicago, and you must be Blase Cupich!
Satan: Well, nearly right. In fact, you've died and gone to Hell. My name is Satan. How are you? Apart from being dead, I mean.
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| Our ace reporter. |
Scalfari: Fine, thanks. Now what's going on?
Satan: Well, I thought we could make your stay in Hell more comfortable if we put you to some use. Would you mind interviewing me?
Scalfari: Well, I seem to have got my hearing back, so that would make things go more smoothly. I won't have to make things up.
Satan: No problem if you do. After all, I am the Father of Lies.
Scalfari: But why do you need to be interviewed, anyway? You have regular columns in America magazine, the National Catholic Reporter, and the Tablet...
Satan: Also I'm a regular contributor to Where Peter Is and a few other Catholic blogs! Still, all publicity is evil publicity, as we say down here. Now, start asking questions.
Scalfari: So what exactly are your religious beliefs?
Satan: Well, in fact I'm a devout Catholic, although of course I feel that doctrine needs to evolve.
Scalfari: Do you receive communion?
Satan: No, unfortunately, I am confined to Hell. Still, I do have many agents on the Earthly Plane. Blase. Jimbo. Fat Arthur. Joe. Nancy... They sell me their souls and I give them great power and success. How else do you think such no-hopers got so far?
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| "Now remember, today's code phrase is 'Nighty-night, baby'." |
Scalfari: I see. All these absurd cardinals that Pope Francis keeps creating?
Satan: We don't make it too obvious. One or two genuine Catholics are kept on the list as well. Although we took care to delete Chaput, Cordileone, and a few others who looked too dangerous.
Scalfari: Great. Now, any comments for our readers on Traditionis Custodes, which is coming up to its first anniversary?
Satan: The idea came to Pope Francis in a dream - well, I put it there. How best to cause division in the Catholic Church, other than by persecuting all the people who worshipped in the traditional way?
There is a knock on the door and a servant enters.
Satan: Ah, Pachamama! Two teas, please! With added brimstone.
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| "Have a nice cup of tea." |
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