29 September 2022

/Satire? From The Babylon Bee / Fascism Everywhere? /satire/

Satire? Here are my comments on a 'Fascism everywhere' speech given by Umberto Eco almost 30 years ago. Satire or not? You decide.

From The Babylon Bee:

Fascism Expert Somehow Able to Find Fascism Everywhere

NEW HAVEN, CT — Philosophy professor and Fascism Expert James Stanley announced on Twitter that he had found fascism in America, Italy, Nigeria, and several other countries.

Stanley, the Ariel Urowsky Chair of Philosophy and Fascism at Yale, has called various groups of people "fascist" over the last several years, declaring that half of US citizens are fascists, particularly white men.

"Fascism is rampant in America," said Stanley, speaking freely from his perch as a professor at a university with a $42.3 billion dollar endowment. "Just because I call everyone I disagree with fascist," continued Stanley, "doesn't mean I think fascism just means ‘people you disagree with.' It's merely a coincidence."

Critics have pointed out that as Yale's resident fascism expert and an author on the topic, Stanley is incentivized to find as much fascism as possible. "Poppycock," responded Stanley. "Do I get paid based on how much fascism I find? Yes," said Stanley. "Do I get more invites to fancy cable shows and cocktail parties the more I call things fascist? Yes. But that doesn't mean I try to see fascism everywhere."

Yale's Associate Dean of Fascism, Janet Howell, said in a statement, "we have the utmost confidence in Stanley. No one knows fascism quite like him." Before calling this reporter fascist, Stanley announced that a release date had been set for his upcoming book, One Fascism, Two Fascism, Red Fascism, Blue Fascism published by Oxford Press.

Are You A Fascist? 12 Signs To Look For

Do you think you're just a quiet, patriotic conservative with good old-fashioned family values? Oh no! You may be a dangerous fascist!

Study this list of fascist tendencies so you can do better and be less fascist!
  1. You've been to a 4th of July parade at least once in your life: All that flag-waving is a classic mark of fascism. You're supposed to love the leaders and corporations that the corporate media tells you to love, not your homeland, ya' Mussolini!
  2. You voted for Trump: this one's too easy. His election was not just a threat to our democracy, but a threat to all democracy – and maybe to the universe itself. Do better!
  3. You have more than one kid and you love being a parent: Dedication to the family is a distraction from service to the state. Just abort, you fascist – don't you want to be liberated?
  4. You didn't let your teenager go to that sleepover when LITERALLY EVERYONE else got to go: Ugh, so fascist!
  5. You use fascist dog-whistles like "Merry Christmas", "see you at church on Sunday", and "I don't really like Amazon's Rings Of Power": Just come out and say you're literally Hitler.
  6. You want people to make their own decisions about their kids' education and what things they inject in their bodies and crazy stuff like that: This is hard-line Nazism – individual responsibility instead of state control. Terrifying.
  7. You wear a tiny mustache and goose-step everywhere: honestly, you should probably get yourself checked for fascism if you have any kind of mustache…
  8. You give a speech flanked by marines in front of an ominous red background, accusing your political opponents of being enemies of the state: Wait a minute, is this list taking a turn?
  9. You use federal law enforcement to intimidate and attack political opponents: Only a dictator like Trump would do this!
  10. You use the media as a puppet to spread great propaganda: For example: "The Afghanistan withdrawal was the greatest military accomplishment since the Berlin airlift."
  11. You dehumanize the other party to the point that your followers are literally trying to mow them down in the street: Trump again! Obviously.
  12. Your name is Joseph R Biden Jr and you're 78 years old and you are currently president of the United States: If this is you, stop being a fascist – or just silence anyone who says you are!
And there you have it – know the signs of fascism and you won't be blindsided!

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