27 June 2020

/Satire/ Three News Items /satire/

1) For heaven's sake, Eccles! Don't give our 'shepherds' ideas. 2) The CofE ceased being Christian decades ago. What do we care what a layman playing dress up cares? 3) Our 'shepherds' don't care. It's up to the laity to protect them. 

From Eccles is Saved

The Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have produced their guidelines for the Celebration of Mass, once this becomes possible again on July 4th. Since going to Mass is obviously far more dangerous than going to the pub, tearing down statues, or going to the cinema, the dear bishops have produced their own guidelines, which are much stricter than the Government's recommendations.
  • All worshippers must wear brand new clothes, which are to be burned once the Mass is ended.
  • Each person must carry a 5-litre drum of hand sanitizer, and wear a mask impregnated with plutonium, to kill viruses.
  • No speaking is allowed: all lips must be sewn shut with steel wire.
  • No kneeling. Holy Communion to be dipped in nitric acid before being offered to the faithful, who must receive on the hands while wearing rubber gloves.
  • Priests to wear either space suits or diving suits, whichever is preferred.

Space 1999
Fr M and his Extraordinary Minister are ready for Mass.

Now, that's what you need to wear to avoid the virus. Another set of regulations will be introduced to help you avoid bad doctrine and liturgical abuses. Blindfolds and earplugs may be a good start.

Meanwhile, over at the Church of England, Archbishop Justin Welby has commented on statues at religious sites. "Some will have to come down. Some names will have to change," he said. Of course, the C of E has been tearing down statues since the 16th century, so this should come as no surprise. However, changing their names is a new venture, which shows that he has been reading 1984 very carefully.

Thomas Becket
This statue is to be renamed "George Floyd".

Of course, Welby's motives for tearing down statues is that the person honoured may not be acceptable to modern woke Guardian-reading BLM-supporting worshippers, or even non-worshippers. Sometimes, however, there are good reasons for tearing down statues, such as the abomination below, so who are we to judge?

A parody of the Virgin Mary, seen in Ely Cathedral.

Finally, over in California, there have been a few objections after the statue of St Junipero Serra was pulled down. The bishops do not seem to be greatly bothered by this, and would prefer to leave the issue to people who actually believe in Catholicism. So, we have hired a handy-looking chap called Bob to help protect the statues. Apparently, he used to work for a book-burning company called Word on Fire.

Bishop Barron
Bob's not very bright, but he's very muscular.

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