From Eccles is Saved
Eccles's new law states that it is impossible to tell any joke without someone being offended.
Take for example the Tommy Cooper joke: "I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'"
With this joke the late Mr Cooper (99 today) has managed to offend Jews and Muslims (mentioning pork), fat people (mentioning "lean") and people with one leg shorter than the other (the other meaning of "lean"). So watch out for Mohammed Ben Fatwa, the overweight Muslim with a limp!
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| One man's comedy is another man's tragedy. |
The same law has applied to me recently, and here are three examples.
Case 1. Someone on Twitter asks what she should do during the present crisis, if it is impossible to get to Confession.
Witty Eccles reply: Stop sinning.
Audience reaction: Let's be more charitable here, please. Accusing S. of being unable to stop sinning is the height of rudeness.
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| Well, that went down well! |
Case 2. We have the usual St Patrick's Day dispute about whether St Patrick was English, Scottish, Welsh, or something else. Someone says that he was Scottish.
Witty Eccles reply: You're thinking of St Andrew.
Audience reaction: (patiently). No, no, he's the Patron Saint of Scotland. If he was Scottish, his brother Peter would also have been Scottish.
St Andrew relaxes after a hard day's apostling.
Case 3. An American priest (who claims to have a sense of "humor", whatever that may be) tells us that he tried to give up chocolates for Lent, and failed.
Witty Eccles reply. "This is the face of true evil."
Audience reaction (and this, if anything, proves that British irony doesn't travel well): I hope you didn’t give up "calling priests evil" or "exaggerating" or "joking not joking" or what New Yorkers called "joking on a square" for Lent.
Pope Francis will not eat his choco-Luther until Lent is over.
O.K. from now on I will stop telling jokes. Here instead is a purely factual piece of spiritual nourishment.
New Catholic helpline.
Worried about / whom to consult.
Climate change - Pope Francis.
Coronavirus - Cardinal Nichols.
Sexual problems - Cardinal Marx.
Sin, redemption, etc. - Er, position still vacant.
To which someone added: Liturgical Dancing / Cardinal Tagle. See? People are starting to appreciate my serious comments.
Pope Francis II?
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Comments are subject to deletion if they are not germane. I have no problem with a bit of colourful language, but blasphemy or depraved profanity will not be allowed. Attacks on the Catholic Faith will not be tolerated. Comments will be deleted that are republican (Yanks! Note the lower case 'r'!), attacks on the legitimacy of Pope Francis as the Vicar of Christ (I know he's a material heretic and a Protector of Perverts, and I definitely want him gone yesterday! However, he is Pope, and I pray for him every day.), the legitimacy of the House of Windsor or of the claims of the Elder Line of the House of France, or attacks on the legitimacy of any of the currently ruling Houses of Europe.