From Eccles is Saved
Several wise bishops have decided to allow the faithful to eat meat on Fridays in Lent, because apparently it is such a hardship in these plague-ridden times to survive 24 hours living only on fish, pasta, rice, pizza, vegetables, cheese, eggs, etc. It is well known that there are many starving people whose only source of food is the bacon, steak, and sausages in the fridge.
Now, in Stage 2, the bishops are encouraging their flocks to stop praying. "Many people find it very stressful to sit, kneel, or stand quietly for a minute or two, when they could be playing video games, watching television, or simply looking out of the window in the hope of seeing neighbours whom they could report to the police," explained the Bishop of Boston Teaparty. "We want to relieve them of this burden."
Stop that at once!
"Besides, God - if you believe in him, which of course good Catholics no longer need to - is rather overwhelmed with prayers at present, and we can save on bandwidth by leaving prayer in the hands of the professionals," continued the Bishop of Brooklyn Beckham.
"Many churches are live-streaming Masses," agreed the Bishop of Humor-Thibo-dodo. "These should satisfy all the spiritual needs of 'God addicts', and they have the advantage that you can watch them while wearing tatty old clothes, or even in your pyjamas if you wish. However, we urge you not to pray, as this only leads to rigidity, neo-Pelagianism, and other bad habits."
"However, don't forget to turn off your lights for Earth Hour tonight," stressed the Bishop of Muddlehead. "With this dangerous Carbonara Virus going around, it is more important then ever to do some virtue-signalling. Greta knows best."
|A notorious polluter in Rome.|
Earlier in the week Pope Francis condemned worship in his own way, saying (and this bit is true):
What are my idols? Everyone has their own. What are my idols? Where do I hide them? May the Lord not find us at the end of our life, and say: "You are perverted. You have strayed from my path. You prostrated yourself before an idol."
They're behind you!
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