A couple of articles from the Babylon Bee, which bills itself as a satire site. LIMA, PERU—A recently discovered pre-Columbian burial site containing the bodies of hundreds of slaughtered children was originally considered to be part of a mass human sacrifice.
However, experts have discovered new evidence revealing that the mass execution was simply leftover from an ancient Planned Parenthood.
“Our initial reaction was horror!” said Dr. Molly Locke, lead supervisor of the excavation. “It really made us ponder how a society could get to such a depraved place that they would willingly allow their young, innocent, vulnerable, children to be violently and systematically torn to pieces. There’s absolutely no excuse for that!”
Dr. Locke described the emotional weight of finding one child’s severed body after another, carelessly piled on top of each other. The whole crew seemed to stagger from denial to depression, to anger at this needless, barbaric atrocity.
“But then we found the trademark Planned Parenthood logo on the side of the temple,” Dr. Locke explained with relief, “and it suddenly all made perfect sense. The stacks upon stacks of innocent children’s mangled bodies weren’t the result of a barbaric practice by some archaic religion, but of a respectable organization that is totally civilized and not at all questionable---unless you’re a woman-hating misogynist!”
Following this wonderful turn of events, the crew intends to hold a grand reopening party.
Cecile Richards Thanks Ancient God Molech For Continued Government Funding Of Planned Parenthood
NEW YORK, NY—After the messy implosion of Republicans’ health care plan which could have cut off the half-billion government dollars Planned Parenthood receives each year, the organization’s president, Cecile Richards, publicly thanked the ancient Canaanite god of child sacrifice Molech “for his guidance and favor through this difficult season.”
Taking to Twitter after the announcement that Republicans had pulled their health care bill meant to replace ObamaCare, the elated Planned Parenthood chief was quick to credit her higher power. “THANK YOU MOLECH!
#IStandWithPP” she tweeted.
“If Molech is for us, who can be against us?” came her next tweet.
In a Tuesday press conference, Richards echoed her previous social media sentiments. “This victory just shows the effectiveness of speaking out, marching, making calls to congress, and worshiping the fiery devourer of the young,” she said, holding up her left arm to show off her pink “What Would Molech Do?” wrist band. “They tried to cut us off, but Planned Parenthood will remain open for business, as it pleases my god.”
“Molech, great and powerful annihilator of small babes, we thank you for this victory, and we swear an oath to continue feeding your insatiable hunger for death,” she added with her eyes closed and head bowed.
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