Seeing and Saying What Divorce Is and Does

'The final battle between the Lord and the reign of Satan will be about marriage and the family.' - Servant of God Lucia dos Santos of Fatima.

From Catholic World Report

By Rob Marco, MA(Theol)

Divorce, which has more than doubled for people over 50 since 1990, is a plague on society that must be acknowledged and addressed.

I met recently with a friend who is going through a divorce the other day for a few beers at the riverfront. He is not a Christian, nor is his wife, but he is a good friend. It’s a typical story: his wife was not “happy” and sought happiness in the arms of someone else, probably as a sabotage “out”. The divorce proceedings are typical as well: mediation, division of assets, custody arrangement, and so forth.

He was blindsided and gutted at first, but is now accepting, trying to get his finances in order, and find a place to live. And, yes, he also is dating. I had given him a copy of my friend Leila Miller’s Impossible Marriages Redeemed, about people who have been through similar circumstances, but with the help of grace stood on their vows.

As I expected, it didn’t make a difference in the end. Most people who decide to end their marriages have their minds made up and won’t reconsider.

As Christians, we should love what the Lord loves, and hate what He hates. And God hates divorce.

“For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with violence,” says the Lord of armies. “So be careful about your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” (Mal 2:16)

Divorce is emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually violent. It may not seem like it in an apparently “amicable” parting of ways. But you can’t tear asunder what God has joined together (cf Mt 19:6) without harming and destroying relationships and lives. This is why the Catechism is so blunt in stating:

Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society. (par 2385)

Jesus tells the Jews, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning” (Mt 19:8). His disciples were taken aback, and replied, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry” (Mt 19:10).

Which is exactly what many people, including many Christians, are doing today.

The U.S. divorce rate has dropped eighteen percent from 2008 to 2016, but one reason is because Millennials are cohabitating rather than tying the knot. The stark fact is that the rate of divorce has more than doubled for people over 50 since 1990. These are people who should be entering the “golden years” of their lives and growing old together, but instead are abandoning their vows, and inducing a surge in the rate of so-called “gray divorce.”

One might think it admirable that divorcing after the kids a grown is a merciful act of love for children, but as Leila Miller details in her previous book Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak, it’s anything but. Adult children are as much, if not more, blindsided and affected by this betrayal. The pain and adverse effects are very real, but often pushed down and suppressed. It’s “supposed” to be okay; it’s supposed to be normal.

But it’s not. What’s normal is making vows, staying true to them until death, and working through the challenges that life throws at you together. That’s what vows are for—otherwise they are meaningless. There may be circumstances in which staying together may not be possible, but in many situations divorce, like contraception and abortion, is the tempting “out” based on convenience, not threats to life or well-being.

There are the spiritual elements of divorce—especially when one chooses to remarry and enter into an adulterous relationship. But marriage is not a wholly spiritual affair. There are pragmatic considerations in getting married, and pragmatic considerations in getting divorced.

One of those considerations is financial, which should not be underestimated. In these so-called “gray divorces,” wealth drops by around 50%, and the standard of living for women plunges 45%. U.S. women 63 and older who go through a gray divorce have a poverty rate of 27%, more than any other group at that age, including widows, and nine times the rate of couples who stay married (3%). And then there are the effects on health, the rise of depression, and the increased risk of suicide.

Divorce is short-sighted, because, like suicide, we only see the pain and hardships we are in at a certain moment. When presented with an “out” such as taking one’s life or ending one’s marriage, many people will take it if convinced it will alleviate short-term pain and feelings of being trapped. Suffering is never easy, of course, but our society often goes to dangerous extremes to avoid suffering. Maybe we should not hand someone a metaphorical gun when they say they are feeling hopeless.

No-fault divorce is such a gun. It has severely damaged families and society. It does not inspire virtue, does not teach delayed gratification, does not inspire selflessness or endurance. Like drugs, it is presented as a way to alleviate one’s pain. But it only presents more problems, further unhappiness, and a greater sense of loss in the end. “Let marriage,” writes the author of the Epistle to the Hebrews, “be held in honor among all.” And one of the most important ways of honoring marriage it to stay married.