From the Babylon Bee
NASHVILLE, TN—Thomas Nelson Publishers will debut a new Bible highlighter set designed especially for progressive believers, consisting only of pens in 5 different shades of whiteout, sources confirmed.
According to company spokesperson Dak Stevenson, the new set will give progressives even more options for rubbing out Biblical texts that don’t agree with their personal belief system. “We want to give progressive Bible readers many options, from lighter shades of correction fluid for erasing problematic Scripture passages, to heavier shades for completely eliminating sections that are clearly heretical to a modern understanding of God’s heart,” Stevenson told sources.
“No longer do you just have to scream at the sky when the Scriptures don’t affirm your preconceived viewpoints,” he added.
The publishers also announced a Premium Progressive highlighter set which will include a set of scissors, for cutting out entire books or Testaments of the Bible.
Should the new product do well in the progressive market, Thomas Nelson reportedly plans to release sets for other worldviews as well, including American exceptionalism, various cults, and a whole line for people of different eschatological persuasions.
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