From Eccles is Saved
We continue our series on "How to be a good Pope" with more advice for any of our readers who may at some stage be invited to give spiritual leadership to millions around the world.
Today, it's life-jackets (or life-vests, if you prefer). For years you have been riding round the world in aeroplanes, telling the other passengers (who simply wanted you to shut up so that they could watch the in-flight movie) the truth about
You became jealous of the flight attendants who got to demonstrate the oxygen masks and life jackets. After all, nobody questions their teaching - there are no flight attendants sending in dubia to ask whether the masks should provide laughing gas instead, or the life jackets be made of lead. But when you speak out, every word is analysed and interpreted in different ways.
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| Praise to the holy life-jacket! |
Your scheme to replace the Virgin Mary with Pachamama didn't go down too well, and indeed your idols were thrown into the Tiber (without life-jackets).
But replacing Christ on the Cross with a life-jacket is going to be a real winner!
Curiously, Christ is one of the few people in history who would never have needed a life-jacket, as He could walk on water; but that is purely coincidental.
Now, some critics might call you a "loony" for distorting an instantly-recognisable symbol of your faith in this way. So, make up a cover story, something about migrants drowning, if you like. It's currently Catholic teaching that this is a bad thing - although the precedent of Jonah suggests that perhaps the answer to the problem is to fill the Mediterranean with giant fish - so anyone who criticises the elevation of the blessed life-jacket "Jacketamama" to the Cross is obviously a complete fascist who likes nothing more than drowning his fellow men.
This scheme should be a winner, and it will keep people's attention occupied while you smuggle out an apostolic exhortation telling people what you wish the Amazon Synod had decided.
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| O Peter! I told you to put on a life-jacket! |
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