Quick Google Search Confirms Google Not Rigged
RICHMOND, VA—When Lucas Wilson, 38, heard President Trump’s recent assertion that Google searches are rigged, he was understandably concerned, as the man uses Google for dozens of queries each and every day.
So Wilson did the only reasonable thing: he searched Google to see whether or not Google is rigged, biased, or otherwise compromised.
Thankfully, his search “Is Google rigged?” returned a handy answer straight from Google: “Definitely not rigged.” He then tried a few other searches such as “Is Google evil?”, “Is Google biased?”, and “Is Google trying to take over the world?”, to all of which Google’s search engine returned a negative response.
Satisfied with Google’s comprehensive slate of answers, Wilson went back to his life, secure in the knowledge that the giant tech company would never skew its search results, either in its own favor or against its ideological foes.
'There Are More Than Two Genders,' Tortured Employee Forced To Say In Darkened Room At Google Headquarters
So Wilson did the only reasonable thing: he searched Google to see whether or not Google is rigged, biased, or otherwise compromised.
Thankfully, his search “Is Google rigged?” returned a handy answer straight from Google: “Definitely not rigged.” He then tried a few other searches such as “Is Google evil?”, “Is Google biased?”, and “Is Google trying to take over the world?”, to all of which Google’s search engine returned a negative response.
Satisfied with Google’s comprehensive slate of answers, Wilson went back to his life, secure in the knowledge that the giant tech company would never skew its search results, either in its own favor or against its ideological foes.
'There Are More Than Two Genders,' Tortured Employee Forced To Say In Darkened Room At Google Headquarters
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In a darkened room labeled “101” deep within Google’s Mountain View headquarters, an outed conservative employee was forced to say there are more than two genders after a long period of torture.
The man was tortured for hours, arguing the objective reality of two genders, being told he was “mentally deranged” and suffering from “a defective worldview” before finally giving in.
“Do you remember writing in an email that there are only two genders?” he was asked while strapped to a table. “What if Google says there are three?”
“How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? Two genders are two genders!” the man cried through tears as his torturer, a Google project lead, held up a picture of a man and a woman, according to surveillance footage.
“Sometimes. Sometimes there are two. Sometimes there are three. Sometimes there are any number of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane,” the project lead replied coldly before administering another round of electric shocks into the man’s brains.
“Freedom… is the freedom to say there are only two genders…” the man said with great pain, through blackened eyes and bleeding lips.
“But how do we know that there are only two genders? Or that the force of gravity works? Or that the past is unchangeable? If both the past and the external world exist only on Google’s servers, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then?” the Google official said as he methodically broke the man’s will in an attempt to get him to confess there were any number of genders Google wanted there to be.
“Fine, there are more than two genders, there are however many genders you want there to be—just make the pain stop!” the man screamed after a final round of torture, witnesses claim.
The man was then left to himself in isolation for a long period of time.
According to sources, he gazed up at the enormous Google logo on the wall, muttering that it had taken him twenty years to finally understand the brilliance of the search engine, advertising, and technology company. But he later claimed it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Google.
The man was tortured for hours, arguing the objective reality of two genders, being told he was “mentally deranged” and suffering from “a defective worldview” before finally giving in.
“Do you remember writing in an email that there are only two genders?” he was asked while strapped to a table. “What if Google says there are three?”
“How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? Two genders are two genders!” the man cried through tears as his torturer, a Google project lead, held up a picture of a man and a woman, according to surveillance footage.
“Sometimes. Sometimes there are two. Sometimes there are three. Sometimes there are any number of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane,” the project lead replied coldly before administering another round of electric shocks into the man’s brains.
“Freedom… is the freedom to say there are only two genders…” the man said with great pain, through blackened eyes and bleeding lips.
“But how do we know that there are only two genders? Or that the force of gravity works? Or that the past is unchangeable? If both the past and the external world exist only on Google’s servers, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then?” the Google official said as he methodically broke the man’s will in an attempt to get him to confess there were any number of genders Google wanted there to be.
“Fine, there are more than two genders, there are however many genders you want there to be—just make the pain stop!” the man screamed after a final round of torture, witnesses claim.
The man was then left to himself in isolation for a long period of time.
According to sources, he gazed up at the enormous Google logo on the wall, muttering that it had taken him twenty years to finally understand the brilliance of the search engine, advertising, and technology company. But he later claimed it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Google.
U.S.—In response to criticism of the alleged shadow ban of certain right-leaning accounts on the platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey apologized Friday for allowing conservatives on the platform in the first place.
The visibly distraught CEO openly wept as he expressed his great remorse for ever having allowed conservatives to open accounts and let their worldview “just hang out there for the whole world to see.”
“Twitter has always been a welcoming, accepting place, so there’s obviously no room for anyone even slightly right of center,” Dorsey said. “I see that now. I’ve learned and grown from my experiences, and I hope the far-left mobs can find it in their hearts to forgive me rather than demanding I be fired on the spot.”
“I’m so, so sorry.”
Representatives for the teeming horde of angry liberals on the platform confirmed they would accept Dorsey’s apology, so long as he vows to “do better” and support the firing and public lynching of any person found to have espoused conservative views on his platform at any point in the past.
The visibly distraught CEO openly wept as he expressed his great remorse for ever having allowed conservatives to open accounts and let their worldview “just hang out there for the whole world to see.”
“Twitter has always been a welcoming, accepting place, so there’s obviously no room for anyone even slightly right of center,” Dorsey said. “I see that now. I’ve learned and grown from my experiences, and I hope the far-left mobs can find it in their hearts to forgive me rather than demanding I be fired on the spot.”
“I’m so, so sorry.”
Representatives for the teeming horde of angry liberals on the platform confirmed they would accept Dorsey’s apology, so long as he vows to “do better” and support the firing and public lynching of any person found to have espoused conservative views on his platform at any point in the past.
Representatives of the left, who recently campaigned for advertisers to tank a show they did not like and for a magazine to fire a man they did not agree with, expressed their bewilderment that the nation can’t just unite and all get along. A barrage of social media posts and opinion pieces by progressives all expressed similar confusion at the nation’s polarization.
“It just doesn’t make any sense,” one opinion writer at Slate wrote, in an article entitled “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along And Also Agree With Me Or I Will Kill You?” “Why can’t our nation get along? Also, if you breathe an opinion even slightly different from our own, we will destroy you. But yeah, let’s all be united and stuff.”
“This is America, after all, a land where we are all free to express our own opinions, so long as they agree with mine,” the article concluded. “Or I will bring your livelihood crashing down so fast you and your family won’t be able to breathe.”
One liberal took a break from applauding The Atlantic for firing a conservative opinion writer for having conservative opinions to call for national unity on his Facebook account, while another progressive bookended his Twitter post calling for advertisers to pull from a conservative talk show with quotes about love, unity, and brotherhood.
At publishing time, sources had been able to confirm that the nation’s liberals were rapidly refreshing their Twitter and Facebook feeds looking for differing opinions, so they could find a new target to destroy.
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