This Christmas, Try Turning "You" and "Me" Into "Us"

The basic unit of society is the family, not the individual, as secular society believes. You can read the Church's position here, in the Charter of the Rights of the Family.

From Aleteia

By Daniel Esparza

Imagine a husband responding to “Can you help me with X?” with something like: “What can I do for us?” not as a clever line, but as a sincere recognition that household life is shared life.

In homes everywhere, December arrives with its familiar choreography: Someone hunting for wrapping paper, someone else refereeing homework battles, someone unloading the dishwasher yet again. These tasks tend to fall into habitual patterns — and sometimes, into habitual language. “Can you help me with this?” “I did this for you.” “Can you handle her homework tonight?”

The problem isn’t the chores — chores will always be there. It’s the grammar.

A simple insight, shared in a chat by a friend of mine who’d clearly thought this through, offers a radical, potentially liberating shift: Many things we frame as doing something for a spouse are, in fact, things we do for the family — the small, living community the Church calls the "domestic church," ourselves included.

Tucking the kids in, reviewing math facts, taking out the trash, preheating the oven — none of these are items on her ledger or his. They’re not favors deposited in a marriage bank that we can cash out later. They’re the shared responsibilities of a household that belongs to both spouses equally. As my friend put it: These are not his or her needs but our needs. Not her responsibilities but the needs of the family.

This reframing matters, especially during the holiday season, when stress tends to expose the tiny fault lines in a relationship. This is the month when expectations multiply: gifts, meals, travel, hospitality, school concerts, parish events. Couples who usually sail smoothly can find themselves keeping quiet score — who’s doing more, who’s more exhausted, who’s being overlooked.

But resetting this kind of “economy” might begin with choosing the right pronoun.

Imagine a husband responding to “Can you help me with X?” with something like: “What can I do for us?” not as a clever line, but as a sincere recognition that household life is shared life. It signals partnership, not performance (or earning domestic merits). It dissolves the idea that one spouse is stepping into the other’s domain as a guest volunteer.

Philosophers have always pointed at the fact that language shapes imagination, and imagination shapes relationships. For Catholics, this shift aligns closely with the Church’s understanding of marriage as a communion of persons — a partnership oriented toward the good of both spouses and the children entrusted to them. When a home becomes “our work” instead of “your work” or “my work,” the daily chores become something richer: the ongoing building of a family culture.

It also teaches children an essential truth. When they hear, “Let’s help our family with the dishes” instead of “Let’s help Mommy,” they learn that responsibility is not a burden, and care isn’t a favor. It’s an expression of belonging. It prepares them to become adults who don’t divide life into owners and assistants.

So this Christmas, experiment with shifting the language in your home. Trade in the “you” and “me” framework for an “us” that better reflects reality. It won’t magically clear your counters or assemble toys at midnight, but it may change the tone of the work, and the heart with which it’s done. The season of Emmanuel, God with us, invites households to echo that reality in their own way. Not by perfect coordination, but by recognizing that everything, from cleaning that kitchen counter (yes, yet again) to lighting the Advent wreath, is something we do together.