The Way of the Bachelor

Mr Coulombe discusses the vagaries of the single life as a Catholic male of almost 65 who is neither a Priest nor a Religious under vows. 

From One Peter Five

By Charles Coulombe, STM, KCSS

"I am a bachelor because I never married." ~ Corey Forde

The humourist Corey Forde, in his masterful work, What Every Bachelor Knows, declared that every woman he knew thought that he was a bachelor because he must have had his heart broken in some catastrophic affair.  All his male friends by contrast thought it was because he was “playing the field” – a lovely euphemism in those semi-innocent pre-MadMen days, when Esquire magazine was considered too risqué to be sold over the counter.  In any case, Forde crisply replied to both assertions, “The truth is, I am a bachelor because I never married.”  Despite all the talk of “Incels” or “Involuntary Celibates,” Forde’s definition remains entirely accurate, as I can say as a bachelor at almost 65 years of age.  But among those young and not-so-young men who are attempting to live a Catholic life, and yet are neither married nor priests nor religious, there is a question of whether or not bachelorhood as such is a state of life in the same sense as those three categories – and whether or not it has a spirituality proper to it.

Let me make a few disclaimers here.  “State of Life” is a canonical term, and I have no competence to judge whether bachelorhood would qualify.  Still less will I enter into questions of same-sex attraction – partly because that’s the job of such as organisations as Courage International, and partly because I have never  liked the idea of creating quasi-ethnic groups on the basis of behaviour.  Given that there are a wide variety of sexual sins in the catalogue, and most are extramarital, every bachelor is of necessity tempted by something, and I believe as did our medieval ancestors, that it is unwise to define men (or women) by their particular temptations.  I have known bachelors for whom married women were a major issue.  It would be imprudent to call such men “adulterers,” although of course when and if they fall they are; but if they successfully resist the temptation or confess the sin with a firm resolution not to repeat it, they are not.  So we are not going to enquire too deeply into these things, but leave them for the confessional.  A Catholic bachelor is a man who lives a celibate life in the world.

The first thing we have to look at is the fact that he is a man.  Now just what is that?  The first thing to understand is that “male” and “female” are reflexions of those greater qualities, “Masculine” and “Feminine” with which God has chosen to order Creation.  He has chosen, for reasons known only to Himself, to express Himself to His Creation as the ultimate Masculine – the ultimate active agent.  In the face of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, all of the things He has made are Feminine – that is, acted upon.  This is certainly true of all of us human beings, which is why the soul is always spoken of as “she,” and – in Western languages that have only masculine and feminine – is usually feminine.

The scholastics were fond of saying that the soul is the form and the body the matter of the human being.  Those of us with male bodies, in other words, have masculine souls.  To-day there is of course a great deal of clatter about people who aren’t comfortable in their born genders.  But the truth is that those who do not find their bodies and dispositions dominated by the menses, are not aware of childbirth as a real potential – whether or not they wish it – and do not fear rape as a clear and present danger, they cannot know what it is to live with those facts.  Those who do live with these realities cannot know what it is like to not have them – and no amount of costuming and mutilation can alter this stark truth.  One might as well long for wings or gills, claiming not to be comfortable with land-living bipedalism.

Every man partakes of three roles: king, priest, and father.  Of course, each of these roles in turn partakes of the other two.  The king must be father to his people, and – as the coronation and various other ceremonies make clear – has a certain priesthood of his sorts by virtue of his office (this is why the medieval referred to Monarchs as “mixed persons” – clerical and lay).  The priest has a certain rulership over his flock – especially in the confessional – but as his title implies, he is also a “Father” to them as well. Every father, of course, if he is good and dutiful, sets the religious tone of his household as a sort of priest of the domestic church, and is head of the household (as unpopular as that may be to say to-day).

But surely the bachelor is none of these?  On the contrary!  No man may escape these roles.  At some point in his life, every man – even the bachelor – must exercise leadership in something, even if it is only over himself and his own apartment; he must act as priest, even if it is only running his own devotional life, giving good example, and practicing the spiritual and corporal works of mercy; and every man will act as a mentor or guide of some kind to younger men.  There is no escape, nor – as we shall see, should there be.

The primary challenge facing the Catholic bachelor is how to fulfill these natural roles and the supernatural requirements of his Catholic faith in view of the first great reality of his existence: being alone.  Without the requirements of service to other people on the one hand, and the joys of companionship on the other that both married, clerical, and religious life provide, it is easy to turn inward.  Untrammelled by the needs or desires of others, it is supremely easy for the bachelor to become selfish, odd, and bitter.  So it is that the bachelor must first recall that we do not exist for ourselves, even if we are unmarried, but for God and our neighbour.

So where do we begin?  With God.  Like all Catholics, we bachelors must work out our Salvation in fear and trembling.  So above all we must frequent the sacraments.  Frequent – even weekly – Confession, and daily Holy Communion if we can get it.  Most of our temptations come from loneliness, and the best way to fight them – especially habitual ones – is the continuous use of the sacraments.  Given fewer human supports than many have, we must take full advantage of the divine ones.

All Catholic homes should be domestic churches, but of none is this truer than ours.  We should take full advantage of all of the Church’s sacramentals and devotions.  We should live the liturgical year to the best of our abilities in our own places, and not hesitate to set up, for example, a creche and a Christmas Tree just because we may have no one to share it with.  Moreover, we can join as many confraternities, spiritual associations, and the like as their rules and our own energy and devotional inclinations permit.  We should all have “Our Lady’s livery” – the Rosary and scapular, whenever we sally out into the wide world.

I use the phrase “sally-out” deliberately.  Bachelors are given to bemoaning the fate of this fallen world, and the iniquity of so many of its inmates.  But we have a freedom often denied to our married, ordained, or professed brethren: that of being the kind of man – or dare I say, gentleman – that we think everyone else should be.  The code of the gentleman that for the most part finally died in the 1960s, but began to totter with the First World War – itself based upon the early 19th century revival of the code of chivalry – is a good place to start with for self-regulation.

Because its concepts are so foreign to those of our society, I recommend a bit of a reading list.  It is not that everything in these books is immediately applicable to our time and place, but because the basic principles behind it all are what first need to be revived in our lives.  Practical application always follows first principles – and if we get the second right, the first shall follow, one way or another.  The first book in our mini-library of the internet is Leon Gautier’s Chivalry, a timeless exploration of the Catholic principles behind knighthood.  For those who really want to delve a lot deeper into the subject (it is very heavy reading for a modern audience) – and read a work that spurred the Oxford Movement and the revival of the Code of the Gentleman, see Kenelm Digby’s The Broadstone of Honour, (volume I; volume II; volume III; volume IV, part 1; volume IV, part 2).  A very readable modern guide to the history of the gentleman is Marc Girouard’s The return to Camelot: Chivalry and the English Gentleman.  The way gentlemen were supposed to behave is well described in Emily Post’s Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home; especially important is the Introduction by Richard Duffy.  Boy Scouting was an attempt by its founder, Lord Baden-Powell, to inculcate these and allied virtues into young men.  Since these are no longer to be found in either most versions of the Scouting programme to-day, or in the vast majority of male upbringings, we close out with B-P’s Scouting for Boys and the 1965 BSA Scout Handbook.  Lest anyone think we are being too juvenile, in a normal world, grace builds on nature; but in our messed-up and unnatural mix of a society, often enough nature can only really be discovered in one’s life after grace has entered it.

Having attempted to supernaturalise the natural virtues of the gentleman – and this is a life-long journey – we are nevertheless called, as soon as we can, to share what we have with others.  Firstly, if the Bachelor has an extended family of blood and/or baptism, he is obligated to be the best uncle and/or godfather he can be.  If his young folk have good families, then often he must simply reinforce what they get at home – albeit in a different voice or manner, lest the young misidentify the Truth as merely their parents’ opinion.  He must keep his word to them always, and honour their confidences – while urging them to tell their parents if he believes the situation warrants it.  If the kids’ situation is less fortunate, he may have to play a more active roll – sometimes becoming a second father.  Either way, they require a great deal in time, attention, and money – and must never forget how important they are to you.  But here is the payoff: they shall help you stay young, and be the joy of your age.  This I know to be true.

Next to family, friends must be key to the bachelor.  Single friends – old bachelors like oneself – are important, because they share one’s unique experiences.  But married friends are just as important.  They keep one anchored in reality in a way other bachelors simply cannot.  Go out of your way to remember their anniversaries and the like – especially if you were part of the wedding; if you were best man, stay that way.  You are now the friend not merely of your friend, but of the marriage itself.  If, for example, he is annoyed with her, you must encourage him to see her point of view – and vice versa if you have been smart enough to have a decent friendship with the wife.  Depending upon your own intelligence and experiences, you may well find yourself dragged into being a marriage councillor – always argue reason and affection on both sides.

Beyond your own personal circles of friends and family, look for volunteer work in an area that interests you – parish, fraternal organisation, historical preservation, natural conservation, theatrical or musical groups – in a word, do what you can, according to your talents, time, and ability to make your community a better place.  You will expand your circle of aquaintances, you’ll be doing something you yourself think is worthwhile, and you will be focusing on something other than yourself.

All of us, in whatever state of life we find ourselves, must remember that we are not alone.  We are here on earth to save our souls and those of as many as can help; we have been given the Church and her sacraments by God Himself to this end.  If we keep this reality ever in mind, and look at our fellow men as fellow wayfarers in as much need of God’s salvation as ourselves, we shall find our proper place in life.  It may take a while, but patience too is an important virtue.