/Satire/ Catholics Keep Out! /satire/

Or is it? Sometimes, in these insane times, it's hard to tell satire from news.

From Eccles is Saved

It is becoming increasingly obvious that Christians - and especially Catholics - are not welcome in public life, and should know that their rightful place is in hiding or on the scaffold.

Crime scene, as seen on television.

Midsomer Murders, episode 3019. Chief Inspector Barnaby (either the one with the crazy wife or the one with the boring dog, it doesn't matter) turns up with his usual jovial cry of "Hello, George, what have you got for me today?". The pathologist, Kate Wilding, gives him a puzzled glance and replies.

"Well Tom, or do I mean John? Anyway, you can see that this chap has had his nostrils stuffed with plutonium (as it is episode 3019 we are running out of original ways to kill people), and he has been dead about six weeks."

"Let me through, I'm a priest!"

An evil cackling priest walks by. Barnaby realises that this must be the criminal, but his contract says that he must wait until there have been another three murders before finally arresting him.

Next, the British Army turns up and asks to drive its tanks all over the place where the dead body is lying. "Don't you realise this is a crime scene? Go away!"

The general in charge replies, "But China has invaded Midsomer and we are the last line of defence!"

"This is still a crime scene. Go away!"

Crime scene, in reality.

A man is dying from stab wounds. The 999 emergency services are called, "Which service do you require: Fire, Priest, or Ambulance? There's no use calling the police, they're all out on gay pride marches."

In fact the priest is the last to arrive. At the crime scene there is already a blood-crazed assassin, several witnesses, an NHS troupe of nurses doing a dance to put on Youtube, and six policemen with alsatians who wandered in having heard reports that someone had been using the wrong pronouns.

A crime scene.

"Let me in, I'm Father Brown, a Catholic priest. I want to give the dead man the Last Rites. This is a fundamental part of the Catholic faith."

"Get out. This is a crime scene. We can't have it contaminated."

A CRASH! is heard as a sergeant in size-14 boots trips over the dying man.

"On second thoughts, Rev, I'm arresting you. On television it's always the priest wot dunnit."

"I want to question you about all those dead bodies in your churchyard."

The Accelerated Dying Legislation.

To their great credit, church leaders are fairly united in opposing the proposed "Yes, you can push your granny off a bus if she's rich enough and too confused to say 'No'" legislation. One exception is George Carey, star of Carey on Killing, the retired Christian who was once Archbishop of Canterbury. But they are put in their place by a learned professor, one Alice Roberts, who has contributed two brilliant pieces to this blog in the past, namely the amazing revelations that Miracles are just a bit... unlikely and Dead people don't come back to life.

Alice hits the nail with her head on the head.

She's got a good point, hasn't she? But we should go further. People with religious views, whether they be popes (no, he won't say anything helpful), bishops, priests, or laymen - even Anglicans devoted to this blog, such as Giles Fraser and Peter Hitchens - SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO COMMENT. We welcome atheist leaders like, er, little Alice in Blunderland, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE RIGHT OPINIONS.

Got the message, Catholics? You're not wanted. Ask Henry VIII and Queen Elizabeth I. And any Anglicans - or even atheists - who agree with you about the morality of Accelerated Suicide - why, you're just closet Catholics! Get lost!

"It's no use complaining now. Mr Gates's App said you'd consented to dying. Don't worry, we'll get the bug fixed in the next release."