Great Lakes Downgraded to Okay Lakes

From my favourite Canadian satire site, The Beaverton

TORONTO – Following months of painstaking research and discussion, a quorum of the world’s leading lake experts have come to the conclusion that the bodies of water formerly known as the Great Lakes are in fact merely okay.

“This has been a long time coming,” said Dr. Chelsea Jones, one of the hydrologists who made the announcement. “These lakes used to be great, no question, but the water levels are dropping and invasive species are on the rise. To be honest, the lakes only just barely qualify as okay. I doubt they’ll make it the end of the century without being demoted again to the Inadequate Lakes.”

“The lakes will retain their current individual names, with the exception of Lake Superior, which, for obvious reasons, will now be known as Lake Average.”

The reasons for the lakes’ decline in status are numerous and include raw sewage, garbage patches and high mercury levels, but there is some debate about whether the core problem is the lakes’ unwillingness to change with the times like other, more dynamic bodies of water.

“I personally believe these lakes can recover their greatness if they just put in the effort,” said geographer Oliver Robertson. “These lakes need to focus on being the best giant bodies of fresh water they can be. Leave sexiness to the bays and babbling brooks. And maybe cool it with the algae blooms?”

The hydrologists were also hoping to finally put to rest the age old question of whether large scale recreational water slides should be classified as waterfalls or as rivers but following several brawls decided to drop the historically contentious issue.